When To Get Married & When You Shouldn't

Hey everyone! It’s another week, and today I’m going to be talking about something I rarely talk about. MARRIAGE! Recently I’ve been reading about the divorce rates that’s been rising on and on all over the world, and I always say to myself, “why do these people even get married in the first place.” Some marriages don’t even last a year, and before you know it, both couples have filed for a divorce.

After consecutive research, many married couples claimed that marriage is the greatest risk in life because it’s a union of two strange people coming together to live as one for the rest of their lives. 

One couple said, “marriage is a risk, irrespective of how long a couple has known each other before the marriage. Because life after marriage is a different ball game altogether. As so many things will change.” 

Many Things Will Change Indeed.

Well, today I’m going to be telling you about some of those changes and how you can prepare for it. So if you’re reading this article, and you’re thinking about getting married, just go through the lists and see if you check them all off before saying “I do.”

WHEN SHOULD I GET MARRIED? 

1- Get Married If You Know How To Fight Well

And when I say fight well, I don't mean like a physical brawl where you hurt each other and throw punches. What I mean is you don't become mean with each other, it doesn't get personal. There should always be an inherent respect that remains for you two.

And part of fighting well is being able to make up afterwards, being able to go back to your spouse the next day and apologize or forgive each other. I've seen couples who get into a fight or disagreement, and they don't utter a word to each other for days. 

So if you can't do that, if you can't fight well, what happens is, the fight fires up and as time goes on it gets worse and worse, and it's not a pretty thing. 

2- Have Similar Perspective Of The World Or Visions For Your Future

What I mean here is that both couples should see their lives going in the same direction. You see your careers going in the same direction. 

If your partner wants to be an accountant working for an accounting firm in Canada and you want to be a corporate lawyer in Nigeria, then you're probably going to have problems. It's going to have nothing to do with either of you, it's just going to have to do with your dreams. 

If one of you is going to have to give up your dreams for the other, then that is a recipe for things not working out in the long run. So make sure your goals align or they at least centergise with one another. 

3- THERE SHOULD BE A STRONG FRIENDSHIP THAT UNDERLIES THE RELATIONSHIP

I remember when my eldest sister got married, and all the older family members came up to her and they said, “Make sure you’re marrying your best friend.” Well, it’s true. Best friends are the siblings that God did not give to us for some reason. They are very hard to come by.

A friendship is a very vast and tasking responsibility between two individuals. It requires a lot of commitment, sacrifice, trust, and belief in one another. In a marital relationship, it requires more. 

You must be able to let open all and all to each other. And yet today, this is usually not the case. You find that some couples still keep essential information away from their spouses. 

In any relationship that lasts past a certain period, the romance is going to dwindle; it's going to come and go, you're going to get busy with a lot of other things, there might be kids involved, you're gonna go through hard times, you're gonna be depressed or even get anxious about things, same with your partner. 

You're going to lose jobs, and family members are going to die, you're going to relocate, move elsewhere, a lot of shit is going to happen. Things that you never thought would ever happen to you or to those you love. 

And when these things happen, there needs to be a solid friendship underneath that relationship that you can sustain everything together.

Now, what do I mean by friendship?

A lot of people have shitty marriages because they have a shitty friendship. They don't know what a good friendship looks like. A good friendship is somebody with whom you have unconditional acceptance and support of each other. You enjoy being together.

It's a person you don't get sick of. We all have those friends that we love hanging around with for a day or two, and then the third day comes, and we'll come up with excuses to not hang out with them. But your best friend, the one you marry, make sure it's someone you never get sick of having around.  

Even if you do, you tell them something like, “hey, I’d like to be alone for a while”, and they’ll respect that. They don’t take it personally or get upset about it. 

Your spouse needs to be a best friend level type of friend. It needs to be somebody you don’t get tired of, and the few times that you do, you need to be able to tell them. And they’re not going to hold it against you. 

But also, marrying your best friend is like the 21st century way of telling the world that you have the perfect marriage, whereas no marriage is perfect. 

Like I wrote above, life after marriage is different. Nonetheless, it is very important to marry a person you know at least a little about. This will go a long way in mitigating the risk of divorce.

3- FULFILLING AN OBLIGATION

One thing I realized a few years ago was that a lot of people do not see marriage as an obligation. When I was a kid, I honestly didn’t see marriage as an obligation. 

Marriage didn’t make sense to me. Because I was like, “why would you commit to somebody for the rest of your life if you don’t have to.”

But as some point along the way, my perception of marriage grew up a little. I matured a little bit. 

Marriage is an obligation because God ordained it for us to multiply his creation. But just because marriage is an obligation doesn’t mean it has to be just that and that only.

Marriage is also something that when you stand on the altar in a church or sit in front of the mosque, and you promise and commit yourself to somebody, you’re not promising yourself in an eternal way or chained to them for the rest of your life or no matter what. I know some of the marriage vows say that. 

But you and your spouse should also view marriage not just as an obligation, but also as a project that you have chosen to work on together. And it’s a project that never ends. As long as you want to keep working on it, you can. And if at some point that project starts harming you, then you can abandon it. 

A relationship is something that you work on, it’s an intangible thing that you create with somebody, and you’re both building it piece by piece as time goes on. 

But when you view marriage as just an obligation, you’re going to be like, “oh no, I’m going to lose my freedom, I can’t do what I want anymore.” 

But when you view it as a project, it’s not about controlling the other person’s commitment. Instead, it’s about building something that suits both of you and brings out the best in each other. 

And now that I’ve given you a checklist of things to consider before getting married, here’s when you shouldn’t get married.

WHEN YOU SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED

1- Don't Get Married To Solve A Relationship Problem

Unfortunately, what a lot of people think if they’re having trouble in a romantic relationship is that a lot of them think, “well, if only we were married, then we wouldn’t be able to have these fights anymore, because we’d be stuck together.” And in a sick twisted way, they think that that’s what’s going to get them out of their trouble.

Sorry to say, but it gets worse. Whatever relationship you have already, marriage amplifies it. It doesn’t fix anything, and it doesn’t ruin anything, it amplifies whatever’s already there. 

So if your relationship is healthy and happy, marriage will make it more healthy and happy. And if it’s awful, marriage is only going to make it worse. 

2- Don't Get Married Because You're Scared Of Being Alone

Don’t ever settle for somebody because you’re scared of being alone. And you’ll be like, “Oh no, I’m 35, and I don’t know if anybody else is gonna come into my life.” To hell with anybody else! Settling for just anyone is not an option at all. 

That’s the more reason why there’s a high rate of divorce all across the world. You don't just get married to one of the first 2-3 people that come into your life.

You can’t be happy in a relationship until you’re happy with yourself. If you’re marrying somebody because you don’t want to be alone, well then you’re done. 

3- Don't Get Married To Prove Something

People do this. Some people have family members who are a bunch of losers and make them feel bad, so they marry another loser to make that other family member feel bad. 

An example of this is, is when you get married to someone rich for the sole purpose of their wealth. That marriage isn’t going to prosper, because your partner will always have the feeling that you didn’t marry them for who they are; you married them for what they have. 

So there’s going to be problems. Don’t be afraid of being alone, be afraid of marrying the wrong person. Learn to be alone and enjoy your singleness. Because until you have learned to enjoy your singleness, then you are ready to get married.